Had a fight with someone.
It escalated into something strange.
He told me that I didn’t know how to love obviously since I don’t know what it’s like to care for someone. That I obviously didn’t love Aaron before and it’s why I’m here where I am now.
How did it come to that from a simple argument about me buying a $30 more present for someone.
I lost a lot of friends with my 2nd breakup. About 40 friends in one day. Or more I think. I hardly talk to them.
Now on my 3rd breakup I have to make a choice. It’s too painful to be around mutual friends and his friends as it is a constant reminder of what I used to have.
And its difficult. Because I will lose another group of friends I have come to learn to love being in company with.
I don’t want to go through this a second time. It takes a long time to build friendships sometimes. Especially with me.
Maybe I was just supposed to be alone? I do like being alone.
It’s funny though. The ones I have called my friends…they invite me over. And I realize that there was this notion from them of wanting sex out of it. I don’t want to have sex with friends. And when I did go through with it with one of them so I could keep a friendship alive…he stopped talking to me soon after.
I feel so used.
Where are the friends that just want to be friends? The ones that actually look out for you?
I’m concentrating on my career and its future
And not sleeping with a hot dude or getting into a relationship.
Last night I talked with my recent ex boyfriend. I won’t pretend; it hurt inside as old and familiar feelings came rushing back that were associated with him. I’d probably be correct if he had felt the same thing too. Or maybe not. I just really suck with emotions.
I’m not coping as well as him I’d say. I’m not very good with emotions, nor am I a very strong person. I’m just…I’m not doing well. I’m always sad these days. I hang out with friends and everything and make new ones too, but I feel like I really am dying out slowly. This isn’t healthy. I’m just not a strong person; I’ve never felt empowered.
The thing is, when it comes down to it all…I miss him. Well, I miss what we had. I miss having that companionship, the personalities that melded which we made together. I miss the thought of being in love; being overjoyous in feelings, the connectedness of being intimate with someone you cherish.
I miss those things.
It was good to be able to break the tension that was building up between us from us skirting around friends and on the internet and just everything. It was good to talk for those brief minutes. It established that I believe I’m doing okay without him; that he’s doing okay without me. I’m glad I get to see him smile. I’m glad that I feel mutual about our decision to break it off with one another still. I’m glad that we made the right choice.
I’m just…sad that he can’t be an active part of my life. Sometimes I wish I never went out with him. Sometimes I wish I never made that leap. I’m the one that made the leaps in the relationship in the first place. Sometimes I wish we had just stayed friends or good friends.
I’m angry with myself. I hate myself for letting myself feel this way. I don’t know how to get out. I really actively need to find help before I start to get swallowed by this all. Relationships suck. I’m not coping. This is starting to hurt more than I would have allowed.
I think he’s doing much much better than me. For me letting go is a hard process. I feel like such a weak person; that I can’t control my own emotions and feelings to such an extent that I’m a mess. It’s not a good time to be Franky.
I don’t know what I’m doing with myself these days. I’ve whored myself out to normal guys who I wouldn’t have let them have me from past me. What is wrong with me? What am I doing?
I’ve been submitting and giving in to other selfish peoples desires and let them have me for their personal gain. I’m a complete mess.
One man tried to rape me last month.
I’m falling apart.
I feel forgotten by most of the people around me. By my friends, my family. This relationship that has ended has cemented my belief that I’m truly lost and I don’t know how to find me again. What are you doing with your life Franky? What are you doing?
I’m ruining myself slowly. And I feel like I don’t want to be me anymore.
All these self esteem issues that I have; and I get the comments that tell me that I’m cute/adorable and everything, but nothing seems to change the fact that I feel like I am not a strong, capable, wonderful human being who is capable of loving himself and feeling that he is good enough for certain people.
I’m the opposite side of what I should be. I’ve faltered now. I’m lost.
Asked a guy to stop; he didn’t.
Asked him again; he didn’t want to.
No more politeness, asked him to get the hell out. He did.
Men are jerks.
chincrank said: I don't care how mutual it was - breaking up sucks. I'll trust you that it's for the better, but I'm thinking happy thoughts for you regardless :)
It does suck, especially saying goodbye! It is for the better; and it makes me feel so much more happier that me and him are leaving with happy thoughts of each other and no hard feelings :P But thank you! You are so kind! :3
moseleyx said: Glad you're doing well! And idk, it's a habit. :]
Thanks for asking =] Going through a bit of a weird transition at the moment :P
I call people mister sometimes XD